I’m a person with a LOT of opinions. I’ve got commentary about everything…whether or not the commentary leaves my own mind is another matter entirely, but it’s definitely up there. That’s why never in a million years did I think it would take me so long to write a second post. The problem is I thought I had to have a theme to every one, and so I’ve now got about fifteen different versions in various stages of completion sitting in my drafts. I finally realized that by trying to be orgaznied, which is not my way at all, I was getting nowhere.
Here’s something that has been on my mind today: Jealousy. I’m 23, almost 24 and it seems as if every single day someone I know is either getting engaged, getting married, or having a baby. In this particular circumstance it was a baby. Someone I first met when I couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 years old just had her first child, a beautiful son. As I was looking through the Facebook photos, I found myself so incredibly jealous. Now I know what’s said about Facebook. It makes us all bitter and jealous and all around worse people because instead of having no idea what friends from childhood are up to, we know every detail of their life. But that’s really a discussion for another day. So there I was, sitting at my computer scrolling through photos upon photos ready to cry and honestly, I’m generally not that emotional. Okay, I’m no ice queen with a black heart but as far as where I sit on the emotional wreck scale…I’m on the opposite end. But this, THIS was getting to me. For a few minutes I thought hey, maybe I’m getting my period early and the hormones are in overdrive! (Because let me tell you, anyone who says PMS is made up is either a very lucky person or a big fat liar.) Then I realized that it was the nasty green monster we call jealousy. I certainly don’t think jealousy a good thing, but why does it have to be such a horrid emotion?
The point I’m trying to get to is that there are two different types of jealousy. There’s the bad kind where you hope a cartoon piano falls out of the sky and squashes the person caught in your web of nasty thoughts, forever crushing their hopes and dreams. Because if you can’t have what you want, why should they?! That’s bad. That’s not something I ever want to experience, and up to this point in my life I don’t believe that I have. Definitely not to the extent where I’m wishing for heavy objects to drop from the heavens.
But that other kind of jealousy? The one where everyone around you seemingly has it all figured out and you simply want what they have? I struggle with that one big time. I don’t know where the idea came from that in order to be jealous you must want everyone else to be miserable. I have attended a handful of weddings in the past few years, witnessed engagements and talk to a close friend almost weekly about her upcoming nuptials. I would never wish ill upon these people, I’m truly happy for them. But I am so very jealous. They’ve found that person they plan to grow old with, raise a family with, and just generally be happy with.
It’s become popular for people my age to write off children, and there’s nothing wrong with that. People who crucify others for this choice are cruel and really it’s none of their business. But not even for one day has that been me. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted four children. I grew up with two siblings, myself obviously being the third. Odd numbers don’t work but two is too few and six is too many! The problem arises when I take a look at my dating history; it’s practically non-existant! To be sure, I had my fair share of drunken make outs in the corner of a bar/frat house in college, but I haven’t actually dated anyone since high school. (Oh yeah, that kid is married now too.) Others achieving my dream just reminds me how far I have to go. For goodness sakes I still live at home! Although if all goes well that should be changing soon…
The good news is I know this is not a healthy habit to be comparing myself to others. Perhaps I have reached some of their goals but don’t know it because I’m too caught up in what I don’t have. So every day I actively work to be appreciative of my life. I have a degree, a job and a family that supports me while I try to figure it all out. I only wish that it wasn’t so taboo to talk about jealousy. It’s an emotion so its not going anywhere anytime soon. We might as well learn how to use it to our advantage.
Thanks for reading this and please feel free to leave your opinions!
Completely unrelated to everything else I wrote: In addition to sorting out all the random thoughts rolling around in my head, I want to use this experience to sharpen some writing skills. So if anybody reading this happens to be a grammar nut I’m begging you, please do what people on the internet generally hate and correct me! I’m going to try to occasionally branch out from my normal boring style, but that’s no use if I’m wrong!
rambler7 